dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
