got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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