why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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