Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
