I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize