just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
