last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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