don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
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Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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