Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Your tits are I can't wait for
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize
