so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.