sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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