so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
