the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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