These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
