and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
