I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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