please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
