So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
