I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
my liver is dry heaving
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
