i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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