i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
