please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
