my phone needs a breathalizer
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
