it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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