so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
3 2 1 whiskey
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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