I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
