how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
