Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
