I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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