You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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