Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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