Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
