My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
