If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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