The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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