Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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