just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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