im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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