I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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