She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
