Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
