you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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