Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
