I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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