She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
