either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
