He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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