dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
