i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
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The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.