I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
