Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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