It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
