...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
