I want to walk on stilts...naked
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
