just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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