someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
