New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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