guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
