i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
