I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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