Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
