Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
